Monday, 28 April 2014 @ 00:29 0 stares
I am jaded and listless
my resolve ripped in shreds
My mind is a careless mess
and all I crave is undeserved rest.
I keep running and running
outward, onward towards oblivion
straight into the horizon
Hoping not to get caught.
But they're faster than I ever will be,
they're catching up, fast on my heels
I keep my shadows tied to my ankles
but they're stepping on my feet.
Just don't drag me down, I beg.
Sometimes I delude myself into thinking
they would listen but they don't
they never did, they never will.
I can only pray they don't wrap their fingers around my neck
again and push me down with them
Dragging me across the gravel
'til I am a bloodied mess.
Pain is a wish and death is a promise
My bruises get bruises
from the thought of
relapse.
Tuesday, 22 April 2014 @ 02:35 0 stares
Not anymore.
I've come to realise that I deserve better. I deserve a boy who didn't find my thoughts silly or juvenile. Perhaps I deserve nothing, - but I certainly did not deserve a boy who ran penknives across portraits I painted with my own hands.
I was foolish, I admit. But I am not bitter. Maybe I was, for half a second. Wouldn't you, if you were deceived into believing sugarcoated lies? Lies which at one point made your heart bloom because all you saw was the trap, the beautiful trap. Those were the lies I played in my head on long, lonely nights to make me feel better. They were the soundtrack of my days. I would never have guessed that they were pernicious seeds which would grow into ivy, creeping and entwining within my mind- I was ensconced in poison and realised too late. But I am not bitter. I know better.
Things have a way of working out. I did ask for it. I wished so hard to have someone, anyone lend validity to my existence. In some ways he fulfilled that but he largely left an empty space where my heart should be.
I did give him everything. Now I want it all back.
God knows I didn't deserve to hurt.
Sunday, 20 April 2014 @ 02:07 0 stares
She likes her white trainers roughed up because she thinks that gives them character.
And when her laces unravel, she leaves them be.
Her laugh would remind you of silver bells- musical and delicate.
Her smile sends a wave of warmth running down the coldest of spines.
She keeps a moleskin notebook in her leather jacket.
To pen down observations of people
and to sketch the underside of leaves
she picks off pavements.
She isn't perfect
but she seems so anyway
When wisps of hair stick against her cheek
She tucks them behind her ears
and is instantly neat.
She has croissants for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
It makes her feel somewhat reminiscent of a French lady
bon appetit
She thinks she's hopeless but really she isn't
She's a dreamer with dreams too large to hold in her hands
Sometimes she climbs more steps than her legs could reach
And when she falls,
she feels like a failure.
But she isn't. And she isn't me.
Tuesday, 15 April 2014 @ 01:11 0 stares
Yet I am still happy. I can't not be- not after lulling around in the void for ages. I'm different now, stronger. Like an alloy. Oh, to be surrounded by people whom I venerate. The ones who make me laugh 'til my sides feel bruised. Its that pain again- the good kind of pain. People who offer their bones to support me even when I can stand on my own. People whose smiles make me smile and whose joys and sorrows I share. People whose thoughts and sentiments are akin to my own, our frequencies alike. People whose existence embellish my days and are whom I regard as treasures more precious than fancy stones.
I live for the painful kind of laughter. I live for the impromptu walks and confessional chats. Standing in the snaky queue, waiting to buy a chocolate croissant to ease 2pm hunger pangs. Iced coffee to evade slumbers in lectures. I live for those windy afternoons- sitting at the empty grandstand with a dear friend. And those evenings when everyone gathers to watch a football match. Sitting on the synthetic field, outstretched on the vast green. Taking polaroids by the red track. Blithe memories delineated in film. Sun-soaked and joy-filled, overflowing to the brim.
Thursday, 6 March 2014 @ 19:59 0 stares
the lesser I know
The more knowledge I amass
the more humbled I am
The universe is vast with complexities
It overwhelms me
There are so many galaxies
hidden in distant corners, undiscovered.
And I know,
I'm merely a tiny speck
amongst gazillions of stars
embellishing brilliant blue-black skies.
My significance- virtually non-existent.
My years add up, yet,
I am non the wiser.
Just a tad bit more careful
when I tread on rocky paths.
My mind overworks
but my heart is still young.
Irrationality runs in my blood.
Long live the reckless.
Long live the reckless.
I might understand biological concepts-
how the brain functions.
Alas, I'll never quite understand myself.
There's so much more lessons to learn,
time will give me that.
but there is no time for us to yearn,
the transience of youth- I will never forget.
Tuesday, 25 February 2014 @ 20:29 0 stares
goes the relentless clock
I'm growing restless with time
Wondering what is rightfully mine
Nothing I have done here
Has been worthwhile
I question my decisions
Pore over the what-ifs in disgrace
Every opportunity I've let slip past-
I recall with a bitter aftertaste.
My days here are numbered
by the hourglass.
As I age yet another year,
I look back, pervaded with fear.
I couldn't have gotten wiser
if I've foolishly repeated mistakes.
What is the point in getting older
If the conscience refuses to wake?
I don't want to be held captive
Locked in a steel cage
Confined within the bars
of repressed rage.
Bound by chains of self-doubt
Cuffed by contradicting ways.
Dig me a grave on an empty hill
Date of demise: impending
My motivation
will be the ending
I'll carve in stone.
Saturday, 22 February 2014 @ 21:49 0 stares
I traverse continents of complexities
in search for answers
steadfast ones with on-point accuracy
to swallow my queries,
but they don't exist;
and my search persists.
In a perfect world,
people of various colours embrace,
exchanging hugs
instead of ammunition.
In a perfect world,
kisses heal wounds, not stitches.
And friends don't lodge knives
in one another's backs.
But the world isn't perfect
Not for an ephemeral second
Not even when I close my eyes
And slip into a moment of transient bliss and quiet.
Saturday, 15 February 2014 @ 00:32 0 stares
If you are aware of my presence on IG you may have seen most of these pictures hahah oops. Anyway!!!! I'm finally blogging hehe. Innova has been great, I love how everyone is so easy going and the diversity there -WOAH we have the single pointers, the average joes ie me, the poly students, Pegasus and international kids, yet everyone fits right in and gets along extremely well! I have been so blessed to have spent my orientation with the cutest bunch of people I've ever met in my life. We literally clicked on Day 1 and the bond has grown progressively stronger day by day! Campfire was amazing, so much love for Aquila. Everyone in the school is family, really- its totally cool to have a conversation with someone you've never met. I am genuinely looking forward to school days, I love IJ so much. Quite afraid for PW though, but heck WE SHALL SLAY IT. I am really pumped for OAC, its going to be one of the rare opportunitiues for us to spend time together as an OG/star group. DESARU HERE WE COME.
Wan Ning (the cutesy derpy girl in the last picture) gave all of us the cutest V'day cards omg. Kind of reminiscent of Crescent. She's my jie and I'm her adek (adik/ little sister) HAHA.
Donika, Matheaus, Gubi and I were chatting about bgr issues today over lunch HAHAH and openly sharing our stories, its insanely easy to talk to guys??? Being in an all-girls school really instilled a fear of the unknown in me HAHA but I love being in a co-ed environment, the people here are just so nice. I hope Matheaus gets his ahem hahahah its adorable when he talks about her ok. And the guy doesn't eat carbs- its crazy. Anyway, I hope everyone is settling well in their respective schools, I am truly truly happy in IJ and I've never felt so positive/at home in the longest time ever. My lectures so far have been engaging and settling in hasn't been an issue, so thank God for that :-)
Love you all, take care x
Friday, 14 February 2014 @ 23:17 0 stares
Storms raged like angry drunkards in a brawl
overhead, beer raindrops fall
rolling off dark skies that loom
over vulnerable, unprotected skulls
After the thunder comes the Sun.
A crack of light
A glint of hope
The start of dawn.
Beaming across once ravaged seas,-
now calm,
Spread across the horizon
Like a promise, fulfilled.
Flowers sprout across battlefields,
after the war.
Waiting for their moment to bloom,
for Spring to come.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE GIRL IN THE MIRROR
I didn't like her- the girl in the mirror
Detest, loathe & spite
Ignite like wildfire.
Staring right in the eyes of the enemy
An old friend who betrayed me
She wasn't the person I aspired to be
A kick, spit, punch
Glass fragments smash against concrete
With a resounding sound
Begone .
I am you no longer
The pain you've caused me shall falter
Once I've pieced myself together.
Wednesday, 22 January 2014 @ 20:44 0 stares
Day 6-Write a narrative poem detailing a specific childhood memory
What's Up Down Under
Sweet scent
Lingering in the air; spring
Flora of every kind
Riot of colour vs
Magpie feather
Sun soaked
Sweat drenched
gold shores lined
with an assortment of men
some delighted, others deadpan
Woken by oddly comforting sounds
rythmic gallop
of horse hooves
hitting gravel
Music
Sandwich making
In the early morning
Awaiting to be ignited
By soulful adventure
Down Under
Excited hands
Child like carelessness
Too happy
Too carefree
Nickname: Butterfingers
Oops, a spill
The whisk
Too fast
What an idiot.
Labels: 30 Day poetry Challenge
Monday, 20 January 2014 @ 19:14 0 stares
I keep telling myself that I have this warrior façade on, that I won’t and shan’t
fall in like or let boys make my hearts go a flutter but the truth is that I am
awfully lonely and a bloody hopeless romantic. I’m like frayed socks out in the bitter snow. I
caged my feelings but the lock is
nothing but rusty and my secrets are spilling out like reckless debris. I told myself never to render myself
vulnerable but I’m an open book. People read my eyes and know that somewhere along
the way, I got hit by a freight train. I live for accidents because the
unplanned things always turn out the loveliest. You find love in the oddest of
times and sadness in the unlikeliest places. If you’re exceptionally lucky, you
stumble upon happiness. But for some reason I got caught up in a thunderstorm
and never quite recovered. My mind is impaled with stale hopes of me being
draped in the warmth of your embrace. I’ve given up on those dreams but they
never really left me. That confuses me endlessly. These days I dream of boys
whose faces I can never register but whose lips craved mine without question.
They never paused or stopped or hesitated. They don’t worry
about whether or not I’m half mad or terribly sad or extremely bad. They hung
to my every word like their life depended on it. As it turns out, I had a lot
to say. I just never really found my voice. It was like having a love affair
with myself and I liked the idea of being able to do something I have struggled
with for the longest time. For now I’m desperate to forget you because the
brutal truth is that I’m weak. I want to be
strong. I want temporarily love faceless boys who love me and whom I forget
when I no longer feel lonely. I want to be selfish for once because God knows
it never really did me much good being selfless. I want to stop beating myself
up. I want these bruises and wounds to heal because scars are the very
foundation of a fighter’s existence. I am a fighter, not a train wreck.
------Poetry Challenge shall resume soon, sorry about the hiatus- I have been terribly lazy and uninspired as of late------
Friday, 10 January 2014 @ 17:54 0 stares
Sentenced by Daphne Gottlieb
Labels: 30 Day poetry Challenge
Thursday, 9 January 2014 @ 01:21 0 stares
Enigma
Terrifyingly entrancing
Silent as night
Other worldly ways truly
Mystifying
Labels: 30 Day poetry Challenge
Tuesday, 7 January 2014 @ 15:12 0 stares
Day 3-Pick one line song lyric to serve as an epigraph to our poem. Then write the poem to accompany it.
"Nothing but a vision trick under the warning light"
I grew up believing in the importance of imagination
Weaving magic into thoughts and feelings
Euphoria was a spell
Tears; salty drops of elixir
Soon everything started to blur
Lines faded; disappeared
I could no longer distinguish nuances
between love and fear
Emotions mixed in a disastrous concoction
I brewed a potion
of calamity
You were the next tragedy
I couldn't read you if I tried
You were written in words I couldn't decipher
Then it dawned upon me
You had been my latest flight of fancy
I could spend eternity studying you
Examining evidence, layer by layer
All whilst ignoring those whispers telling me
You don't exist- you were never here.
Labels: 30 Day poetry Challenge
Monday, 6 January 2014 @ 20:07 0 stares
In case you do not read
The poems I conjure out of bitter self contempt
In case you are unaware
Of the 4 am paroxysm- daunting catharsis in my head
You're the inspiration of it all
Labels: 30 Day poetry Challenge
@ 01:33 0 stares
Day 1: Write a poem where each line starts with a letter from your first name (an acrostic). It can be about anything but it should not be about your name.
Always the one seeking
Requiem
Innermost desires left unheard
Not a sound, not
A single word
Labels: 30 Day poetry Challenge
Wednesday, 1 January 2014 @ 19:43 0 stares
Time really does fly. I started the new year at Marina, watching fireworks explode in the sky after a treacherous hour of navigating through insane crowds. Tempers were flaring and patience was wearing thin, I heard the f-bomb being uttered several times, a few people venting out at policemen and two couples having a go at each other. (Happy New Year to you too). I guess all that was worth it though, the fireworks were spectacular and we heard The Wanted from where we were. (Not that I listen to them but the whole vibe was really cool ) My mom also spent the first seconds of ushering the new year by screaming at a snail that somehow crawled up her leg. It was quite gross.
At around 2 am, we had supper at McDonalds. Talk about sinful hahah! We were all rather groggy and tired from all that walking though and reached home at around 3. I did some writing before falling asleep, completely void of energy. It was a memorable day :-)
So, 2014 huh? It all seems a bit intimidating but also a reason to start anew. I'd see this year as something like a chance to do things right. I'm not going to bother with resolutions, who even sticks to them? If there are those who do, wow they've really got their lives together.
I probably will spend tonight watching Syrup or Picnic at Hanging Rock. Or I might just do what I do best- listen to the whole of AM on repeat. That's probably my favourite album after A Thousand Suns and Too Weird To Live, To Rare To Die. In fact, I think it might just be my favourite album in the history of ever.
Enough of my monologues. Hope you all have a blessed year ahead. And to those who are returning to school tomorrow, all the best!! (cackles) (kidding)
Love y'all, bye!
Song of the day (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:・ﾟ✧ : Snap Out Of It-Arctic Monkeys
Tuesday, 31 December 2013 @ 15:44 0 stares
One of the lessons would be that heart-attack related jokes are far from funny, especially if you've lost someone dear to that very cardiac illness. Another thing I learnt from the heart wrenching loss is that grief is part and parcel of life, you just can't let yourself get caught up in the past. Last but not least, no matter how much grief you may feel, someone else will hurt more than you and you are not entitled to feel as if other people should grieve alongside you because not everybody understands; and that is perfectly fine. Not everybody or maybe even nobody would understand the going-ons in your head and you shouldn't expect them to. You're stronger than that and you can pull through alone, stronger than ever.
I think that's the most valuable lesson I've learnt this year, that the only person who can be there for me is myself. I can have so much support from a dear friend but the only person who has the power to pick me up is myself. The only person who can destroy me is ultimately, myself as well. The fault of most people our age is that we think we've got life all figured out, that we're better than the ones younger than us, that life is so hard and will never get better. That is all bullshit. None of us have got life all figured out,we're not even halfway through our lifetimes (if, God willing, we lead lives of longevity) . An important tip would be to pay attention to the young ones because they know love and fear much better than we do. Adults may not know much themselves, they are learning too and their added age in numbers is no justification for the preconceived and widespread notion that they understand or know more than we do. We are all human, we are all learning. The most important thing is to always be soft and kind in our dealings with each other because we may not understand one's troubles,- or we might assume they do not exist. However, just because some things are unseen it doesn't mean they're not felt.
This has been utterly lengthy and it would be phenomenal if you've read this far but I hope that this anecdote can be regarded as food for thought, just a little something to mull over.
SONG OF THE DAY (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:・ﾟ✧: 2013 -Arctic Monkeys
Thursday, 26 December 2013 @ 19:10 0 stares
Anyway, I just got back from a little shopping trip with my siblings. It was alright, just that Orchard is literally flooded with humans; claustrophobia mode : ON. I generally dislike shopping besides shopping for CDs. You don't have to scour for perfect sizes when it comes to buying albums and they're easy to pick out as well. I am so bummed that Somerset's HMV is now gone. Buying digital albums instead of physical copies takes the magic out of buying music. On the brighter side of things, Borders is said to be reopening next year so I'm keeping my peepers peeled for that. Borders used to be something like a monthly haunt for me, there really was no other place better than Borders. I've been dying to get my hands on a Frankie magazine .I'd also love to have a copy of Alexa Chung's IT, she's so effortlessly cool and funny I wish I were her. (GOAL: Be Alexa)
Hope you've been well-rested during the holidays! :)
Song of the day (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:・ﾟ✧:
Settle Down-The 1975
Monday, 23 December 2013 @ 14:37 0 stares
Many things have since changed, I have changed, my room has undergone drastic improvements and I am constantly trying to impove myself as well. Now that 2013 is coming to a close I can't help but look back...I definitely did not fulfill many of the things I had wished to do. I entered this year as a different person and I'm leaving it changed as well. This happens every year and I wonder, who will I be next year? Will I have the same perspectives on things? Will I still be as doubtful of my abilities or even more so?
Whatever it is, I hope that I won't come full circle again; where I struggled with things which are harder in my head than they were meant to be in reality. I just hope that I accept the decisions I make in 2014, learn more things ( and cram less), find my footing, be comfortable in my own skin, perhaps pick up a new sport, be more adventurous and less fearful. I shall not refer to these as resolutions because nobody ever completes them but they shall be 'those little things I shall and will get to later'.
And I shall make this a regular thing so...here's the Song Of The Day (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:・ﾟ✧:
Cornerstone-Arctic Monkeys
Have a lovely day!